[There is a small tug in his mind when he say 'in your thoughts'. In Sumeru, Mochi came into contact with the Akasha. And just like Nahida, even if the Akasha is not present, she can still reach into the minds of those who touched it. It isn't powerful enough to take him over, but he wants to make its presence known.]
What a fickle wind. I was respecting your freedom, but if you want to be caged, well, all you have to do is ask.
[Once clothes are out of the way, he doesn't really care what he does with his hands. He's welcome to grab or hold him as he sees fit.
He'll feel a sharp pain in his side shortly after, right along the invisible seem of his puppet body. The sharp pain, the cut, goes further and further up that line.]
[ ... is that really what he wants. He can't deny it, for all his wish to set himself free, it feels so much safer to let himself be caged. Even if he comes and goes as he pleases, having somewhere that will always be there for him feels like a luxury he's never had.
He can feel Haruki's presence in his mind, and though he knows he should reject it, it feels comforting. It's the same with that pain, he wants to indulge in it, wants to just give himself to Haruki fully, without holding back. But the cut through that line, the reminder of what he is, feels equal part beautiful and terrifying.
So here, this is where he actually tries to push Haruki away, even though his movements are restricted. ]
[He doesn't stop. The knife continues to take him apart at the seams. It won't be deadly, but it will be exceedingly painful.]
Use me as you see fit. You shouldn't be so careless with your words if you don't mean them.
[Unfortunately, Haruki is incredibly unstable. Not only has the ever-shifting change of team members left him on edge, but that which remains remind him too much of the Fatui. Be useful or be discarded. Beyond that, his entire reasoning for ascension into godhood, most of his reasoning for his entire life has been upturned.
Thus, he slips into old comforts and continues to injure. Mochi will have to do a little more than pushing to actually get him away.]
[ He likes pain. The way it burns and spreads throughout his body, the way his blood drips down his skin. It's proof that he lives as much as it's proof of how inhuman he is, being able to withstand so much more than a normal person would.
He likes pain, and if he let himself enjoy this it wouldn't be any different. But it doesn't feel right like this. He's feeling like he's back on the experimenting table, under a man who's obsessed with him, but never cared for him. It feels like he's being looked at like an object, and he's so desperately trying to move past that.
He doesn't have his vision but he has the boon that was given to Snail, so he's taking control of that knife, throwing it far away. He could take his vision too, he knows that, but doesn't just yet. ]
[There is dead silence after the knife clatters to the ground. The urge to take out his frustrations on him is palpable. A heavy weight in the air between them.
But his Herald asked him to stop.
He promised him his freedom.
He won't break that promise.
The vines recede and Haruki stands.]
Choose your words more carefully next time. I won't always be so forgiving.
[ Even if he stopped it still feels wrong. This isn't the first time Haruki hurts him but it's never been like this. But if he thinks about it the difference is that it's always been because Mochi needed it before. This time, it's Haruki who needs an outlet. ]
I just wanted you to listen to me first.
[ he gets up as well, his hand going to the wound he inflicted him, fingers tracing along it ]
I mean it when I said I'm yours to use as you please. If you want to rip me to pieces, you can do that. I'll even let you kill me if you promise to be the first thing I see once I come back.
... But it hurts to be treated like an object. When you move the blade along those joint lines all I can think of is that you see me as just a puppet.
I don't like it.
I don't like it when you dig up the worst part of myself, my desires, everything that would be too easy to fall back into. It hurts.
You are a puppet. But it is because you are a puppet, because you are the only one who could possibly understand, is why I cherish you above all others.
[He reaches into his pocket and holds out his vision for him.]
I'm always going to remind you of your defeat and the path you walked away from. Your wanderings will always lead you away from me. Not towards.
I can't help digging up your past, but I don't think of you as an object. I want you to be my equal. I want you to be able to find your answer, whatever it ends up being.
I don't want to be alone, and I don't think you do either.
[ he takes the vision but after shelving it quickly it's Haruki he reaches for, his arms moving around him to pull him close for a hug, not wanting to let go of him just yet even if he stays quiet for now ]
It's your fault I'm like this right now, so you're taking responsibility.
... I cherish you too. That's why it's so difficult when I'm with you. I want to be needed by you, I want to tie you to myself, but I want to be able to go wherever I please.
I don't want you to be caged. But it's like you said, I don't want to be alone. I don't want you to be alone either.
[He pulls back just enough so he can grab his chin and lift his head.]
I don't know if you will ever find your answer, but just reminder I won't stand in the way of you finding it. I wouldn't put that much care into an object.
... Mm. I'm trying to make sure I won't push things too far for myself. It's easy to just offer myself up and let myself get swept up in the pleasure of it. But after ...
It's like I told you. I don't want to feel like just a piece of meat. ... Something happened with one of my partners some days ago. I went too far and I realized I shouldn't have after.
It was with Caeli. We weren't thinking clearly at the time, but I let him take off my limbs and have his way with me like that. We always end up calling each other demeaning things, so it doesn't really mean anything in the heat of the moment, but he kept calling me his doll.
It felt really, really good in the moment. Part of me wants to do something like that again. But then it doesn't feel right to get off on being used and treated like an object.
It's not like I ever cared about things being good or healthy for me, but if I'm trying to move forward this won't work.
[ Ah. He's speechless, just looking at Haruki for a long moment, taking it all in. Of all the things he could say to drive the point across, this is probably the most effective ]
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What a fickle wind. I was respecting your freedom, but if you want to be caged, well, all you have to do is ask.
[Once clothes are out of the way, he doesn't really care what he does with his hands. He's welcome to grab or hold him as he sees fit.
He'll feel a sharp pain in his side shortly after, right along the invisible seem of his puppet body. The sharp pain, the cut, goes further and further up that line.]
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He can feel Haruki's presence in his mind, and though he knows he should reject it, it feels comforting. It's the same with that pain, he wants to indulge in it, wants to just give himself to Haruki fully, without holding back. But the cut through that line, the reminder of what he is, feels equal part beautiful and terrifying.
So here, this is where he actually tries to push Haruki away, even though his movements are restricted. ]
Stop.
Wait. Not like this.
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Use me as you see fit. You shouldn't be so careless with your words if you don't mean them.
[Unfortunately, Haruki is incredibly unstable. Not only has the ever-shifting change of team members left him on edge, but that which remains remind him too much of the Fatui. Be useful or be discarded. Beyond that, his entire reasoning for ascension into godhood, most of his reasoning for his entire life has been upturned.
Thus, he slips into old comforts and continues to injure. Mochi will have to do a little more than pushing to actually get him away.]
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He likes pain, and if he let himself enjoy this it wouldn't be any different. But it doesn't feel right like this. He's feeling like he's back on the experimenting table, under a man who's obsessed with him, but never cared for him. It feels like he's being looked at like an object, and he's so desperately trying to move past that.
He doesn't have his vision but he has the boon that was given to Snail, so he's taking control of that knife, throwing it far away. He could take his vision too, he knows that, but doesn't just yet. ]
... Don't treat me like I'm just a piece of meat.
I don't want it like this.
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But his Herald asked him to stop.
He promised him his freedom.
He won't break that promise.
The vines recede and Haruki stands.]
Choose your words more carefully next time. I won't always be so forgiving.
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I just wanted you to listen to me first.
[ he gets up as well, his hand going to the wound he inflicted him, fingers tracing along it ]
I mean it when I said I'm yours to use as you please. If you want to rip me to pieces, you can do that. I'll even let you kill me if you promise to be the first thing I see once I come back.
... But it hurts to be treated like an object. When you move the blade along those joint lines all I can think of is that you see me as just a puppet.
I don't like it.
I don't like it when you dig up the worst part of myself, my desires, everything that would be too easy to fall back into. It hurts.
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[He reaches into his pocket and holds out his vision for him.]
I'm always going to remind you of your defeat and the path you walked away from. Your wanderings will always lead you away from me. Not towards.
I can't help digging up your past, but I don't think of you as an object. I want you to be my equal. I want you to be able to find your answer, whatever it ends up being.
I don't want to be alone, and I don't think you do either.
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[He gets an awkward pat on his back as they embrace.]
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... I cherish you too. That's why it's so difficult when I'm with you. I want to be needed by you, I want to tie you to myself, but I want to be able to go wherever I please.
I don't want you to be caged. But it's like you said, I don't want to be alone. I don't want you to be alone either.
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[He pulls back just enough so he can grab his chin and lift his head.]
I don't know if you will ever find your answer, but just reminder I won't stand in the way of you finding it. I wouldn't put that much care into an object.
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Then you can resume.
But you don't seem to be in the same mood any longer.
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Sit down, and I'll dress the injury.
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... Mm. I'm trying to make sure I won't push things too far for myself. It's easy to just offer myself up and let myself get swept up in the pleasure of it. But after ...
It's like I told you. I don't want to feel like just a piece of meat. ... Something happened with one of my partners some days ago. I went too far and I realized I shouldn't have after.
I didn't want it to be like that with you too.
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Oh? Can I use my anger on them instead? Or are they off limits?
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And who tells the wind what to do, hmm? You can tell me anything, and if you want it kept in confidence, I will keep it in confidence.
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It was with Caeli. We weren't thinking clearly at the time, but I let him take off my limbs and have his way with me like that. We always end up calling each other demeaning things, so it doesn't really mean anything in the heat of the moment, but he kept calling me his doll.
It felt really, really good in the moment. Part of me wants to do something like that again. But then it doesn't feel right to get off on being used and treated like an object.
It's not like I ever cared about things being good or healthy for me, but if I'm trying to move forward this won't work.
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[He sits down and pulls Mochi into his lap.]
You will probably find this demeaning, but you remind me of that boy we found. You remember how much we cared about him, right?
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Do I really look so helpless and weak to you right now?
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But that isn't the point. I care about you more than I cared about him. It is the same feeling, only stronger.
Does that put your value into perspective?
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... yes.
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I really must be pitiful if I end up having to be comforted even when I set out to be the one to comfort you.
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I get to be myself around you. I was worried I was bringing back bad memories, but it looks like it was really someone else.
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1/2
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