abovefate | Inbox

[ He likes pain. The way it burns and spreads throughout his body, the way his blood drips down his skin. It's proof that he lives as much as it's proof of how inhuman he is, being able to withstand so much more than a normal person would.

He likes pain, and if he let himself enjoy this it wouldn't be any different. But it doesn't feel right like this. He's feeling like he's back on the experimenting table, under a man who's obsessed with him, but never cared for him. It feels like he's being looked at like an object, and he's so desperately trying to move past that.

He doesn't have his vision but he has the boon that was given to Snail, so he's taking control of that knife, throwing it far away. He could take his vision too, he knows that, but doesn't just yet. ]

... Don't treat me like I'm just a piece of meat.

I don't want it like this.

[There is dead silence after the knife clatters to the ground. The urge to take out his frustrations on him is palpable. A heavy weight in the air between them.

But his Herald asked him to stop.

He promised him his freedom.

He won't break that promise.

The vines recede and Haruki stands.]

Choose your words more carefully next time. I won't always be so forgiving.

[ Even if he stopped it still feels wrong. This isn't the first time Haruki hurts him but it's never been like this. But if he thinks about it the difference is that it's always been because Mochi needed it before. This time, it's Haruki who needs an outlet. ]

I just wanted you to listen to me first.

[ he gets up as well, his hand going to the wound he inflicted him, fingers tracing along it ]

I mean it when I said I'm yours to use as you please. If you want to rip me to pieces, you can do that. I'll even let you kill me if you promise to be the first thing I see once I come back.

... But it hurts to be treated like an object. When you move the blade along those joint lines all I can think of is that you see me as just a puppet.

I don't like it.

I don't like it when you dig up the worst part of myself, my desires, everything that would be too easy to fall back into. It hurts.

You are a puppet. But it is because you are a puppet, because you are the only one who could possibly understand, is why I cherish you above all others.

[He reaches into his pocket and holds out his vision for him.]

I'm always going to remind you of your defeat and the path you walked away from. Your wanderings will always lead you away from me. Not towards.

I can't help digging up your past, but I don't think of you as an object. I want you to be my equal. I want you to be able to find your answer, whatever it ends up being.

I don't want to be alone, and I don't think you do either.

[ he takes the vision but after shelving it quickly it's Haruki he reaches for, his arms moving around him to pull him close for a hug, not wanting to let go of him just yet even if he stays quiet for now ]

You really are too soft.

[He gets an awkward pat on his back as they embrace.]

It's your fault I'm like this right now, so you're taking responsibility.

... I cherish you too. That's why it's so difficult when I'm with you. I want to be needed by you, I want to tie you to myself, but I want to be able to go wherever I please.

I don't want you to be caged. But it's like you said, I don't want to be alone. I don't want you to be alone either.

I don't care about being caged. I already am.

[He pulls back just enough so he can grab his chin and lift his head.]

I don't know if you will ever find your answer, but just reminder I won't stand in the way of you finding it. I wouldn't put that much care into an object.

[ that does seem to calm him down after the earlier mess ]

Then you can resume.

But you don't seem to be in the same mood any longer.

No, I'm not. And I don't think it would be good for either of us to continue.

Sit down, and I'll dress the injury.

[ he'll sit down as instructed ]

... Mm. I'm trying to make sure I won't push things too far for myself. It's easy to just offer myself up and let myself get swept up in the pleasure of it. But after ...

It's like I told you. I don't want to feel like just a piece of meat. ... Something happened with one of my partners some days ago. I went too far and I realized I shouldn't have after.

I didn't want it to be like that with you too.

[He does clean it so the blood won't get on his clothes when he puts them back on. The important things.]

Oh? Can I use my anger on them instead? Or are they off limits?

They're off limits. I shouldn't be talking about it to begin with, so I can't tell you who it was.

I figured as much.

And who tells the wind what to do, hmm? You can tell me anything, and if you want it kept in confidence, I will keep it in confidence.

... Mm. Then you have to keep it in confidence.

It was with Caeli. We weren't thinking clearly at the time, but I let him take off my limbs and have his way with me like that. We always end up calling each other demeaning things, so it doesn't really mean anything in the heat of the moment, but he kept calling me his doll.

It felt really, really good in the moment. Part of me wants to do something like that again. But then it doesn't feel right to get off on being used and treated like an object.

It's not like I ever cared about things being good or healthy for me, but if I'm trying to move forward this won't work.

I see. It really was just poor timing on my part.

[He sits down and pulls Mochi into his lap.]

You will probably find this demeaning, but you remind me of that boy we found. You remember how much we cared about him, right?

[ he does move into his lap, but just like Haruki said, of course he finds the comparison distasteful ]

Do I really look so helpless and weak to you right now?

Yes. But I'm also a god, and lording over others is one of the perks.

But that isn't the point. I care about you more than I cared about him. It is the same feeling, only stronger.

Does that put your value into perspective?

[ Ah. He's speechless, just looking at Haruki for a long moment, taking it all in. Of all the things he could say to drive the point across, this is probably the most effective ]

... yes.

Good. Doubt was marring your pretty face.

[ he doesn't say anything back yet - instead he closes the distance between the two of them so he can kiss him, though he keeps it brief ]

I really must be pitiful if I end up having to be comforted even when I set out to be the one to comfort you.

[He looks very smug.]

I get to be myself around you. I was worried I was bringing back bad memories, but it looks like it was really someone else.

Oh? You were worried? Do go on, I want to hear all those cute thoughts of worry and concern you had for your precious Herald.

From your point of view, I'm your past. And our past has its fair share of painful memories.

You want to move forward, so of course your past would get in the way.

... Mm. My past is filled with pain.

But that's not what I see when I look at you. To me you really are the promise of spring finally coming.

I cherish you too.

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text

Re: Day 91 - text