It was with Caeli. We weren't thinking clearly at the time, but I let him take off my limbs and have his way with me like that. We always end up calling each other demeaning things, so it doesn't really mean anything in the heat of the moment, but he kept calling me his doll.
It felt really, really good in the moment. Part of me wants to do something like that again. But then it doesn't feel right to get off on being used and treated like an object.
It's not like I ever cared about things being good or healthy for me, but if I'm trying to move forward this won't work.
[ Ah. He's speechless, just looking at Haruki for a long moment, taking it all in. Of all the things he could say to drive the point across, this is probably the most effective ]
It is. If I only saw pain in you I wouldn't have rejected you earlier, no?
We're never going to live a normal life. That's a naive dream that there's no point in entertaining. But I think maybe we can blossom. Turn our pain into something meaningful.
When I look at you I see the chance for things to be different. But it won't mean anything if we're not together.
The parts that are still yearning for a heart. To fill that void and to be used. If you were just making me furious it wouldn't be an issue. But compared to you I can't help but feel pathetic for still being so weak.
I do not trust my team even enough to leave this in their care. A replica. A powerless one at that.
The ones I cared for most are gone. Those that are left are your normal, hypocritical humans. When I killed you, I was scorned and treated as a child. Even trying to win them back in the hostage game, I was berated for damaging team relations.
Maybe the new lot will be better, but I am not holding my breath.
The same goes for your team as well. Most of them are irrational idiots. They are just irrational idiots who happen to love you.
That is where you and I differ. I don't care about growing or finding purpose. I have mine. What I have learned has thrown some of it into chaos, but some of it remains unchained.
[At the question he shrugs.]
Do what you want. We will see how long this batch lasts.
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Oh? Can I use my anger on them instead? Or are they off limits?
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And who tells the wind what to do, hmm? You can tell me anything, and if you want it kept in confidence, I will keep it in confidence.
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It was with Caeli. We weren't thinking clearly at the time, but I let him take off my limbs and have his way with me like that. We always end up calling each other demeaning things, so it doesn't really mean anything in the heat of the moment, but he kept calling me his doll.
It felt really, really good in the moment. Part of me wants to do something like that again. But then it doesn't feel right to get off on being used and treated like an object.
It's not like I ever cared about things being good or healthy for me, but if I'm trying to move forward this won't work.
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[He sits down and pulls Mochi into his lap.]
You will probably find this demeaning, but you remind me of that boy we found. You remember how much we cared about him, right?
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Do I really look so helpless and weak to you right now?
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But that isn't the point. I care about you more than I cared about him. It is the same feeling, only stronger.
Does that put your value into perspective?
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... yes.
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I really must be pitiful if I end up having to be comforted even when I set out to be the one to comfort you.
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I get to be myself around you. I was worried I was bringing back bad memories, but it looks like it was really someone else.
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You want to move forward, so of course your past would get in the way.
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But that's not what I see when I look at you. To me you really are the promise of spring finally coming.
I cherish you too.
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We're never going to live a normal life. That's a naive dream that there's no point in entertaining. But I think maybe we can blossom. Turn our pain into something meaningful.
When I look at you I see the chance for things to be different. But it won't mean anything if we're not together.
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[He repeats but says in a definitely teasing gesture, holding him just a little tighter. I don't have a sticking tongue out icon.]
I'll just have to make you believe that I'll keep my word.
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You did say I dig up the worst parts of yourself. Which parts are those?
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But when you say 'weak', is it really about raw strength? I think it means something different.
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Raw strength doesn't really matter as much to me. But you're nowhere near as needy and frail as I am, are you?
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[He looks over at the sapling of Irminsul.]
I do not trust my team even enough to leave this in their care. A replica. A powerless one at that.
The ones I cared for most are gone. Those that are left are your normal, hypocritical humans. When I killed you, I was scorned and treated as a child. Even trying to win them back in the hostage game, I was berated for damaging team relations.
Maybe the new lot will be better, but I am not holding my breath.
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You can be needy and frail with me. If you wanted to let go of all your defenses, I wouldn't think of you as weak and pathetic.
But having me and no one else won't help you grow.
[ even if a dark part of him really, really like the thought of that. ]
Are your teammates still off limits? ... I really don't like that they're so out of touch. That they're hurting you like this.
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That is where you and I differ. I don't care about growing or finding purpose. I have mine. What I have learned has thrown some of it into chaos, but some of it remains unchained.
[At the question he shrugs.]
Do what you want. We will see how long this batch lasts.
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1/2
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