abovefate | Inbox

Because you're not. You just said "you don't know", no? If you were in love you'd know.

No, I wouldn't, because feelings are next to fucken impossible to navigate, especially with you!, because you're not giving me anything to work with! I'm trying to figure out how I feel and how I should proceed, but it's worse than talking to a wall.

You barely know me. Why would you be in love with me? That's just absurd.

[ There's a pause and then he sighs ]

We enjoy spending time together, can't we leave it at that? I thought you were the one who didn't want labels.

[ scaramouche is right and wrong. he doesn't know *this* balladeer as well as his own, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't feel something. he's failing to navigate what he's feeling and scaramouche isn't. fucking. helping. what did he expect though? he's an idiot for thinking this conversation would help him understand things better... now he's just frustrated and hurt??? ]

If you can figure out what you want from me, then I might change my stance.

But I can't give you anything when you don't even know what it is you want from me. I don't have anyone else, you know.

It's just you.

I want something more with you. I'm doing my best to navigate these feelings on my own, because you're not giving me much to work with, but rest assured, Scaramouche, there IS something there. I just don't know what to do about it... because, I guess, ...maybe I am afraid of hurting you... more... I can't stop having feelings for other people, but I also don't want to stop having feelings for you.

Is that something you can be okay with? I don't want you feeling like some third wheel...

What, you having feelings for other people but trying to drag me into some sort of romantic entanglement despite that? No. If we weren't in this place I would have already made it so your other precious people would disappear off the picture entirely. I've never been one for sharing.

...and you think I like to share? Both of them have other people they care about, and while that bothered me at first I realized I'd rather try to chase the fleeting feeling of happiness instead of stewing in misery. Unlike you I don't have forever.

[ this was such a mistake. ]

Between us I'm the one who is already dead. What makes you think I have forever?

Are you happy? With them.

You're not dead right now. And who says I would let you die or stay dead back home?

They both make me happy, yes, but you also make me happy.

I'm not coming back to Teyvat, Tartaglia. After this place you won't see me ever again.

Where are you going to go?

I haven't decided yet.

... [ moves his tails around scaramouche. ] And if I want you to come with me?

What for? To see the same world I hated so much I destroyed it, just barely better than I have left it? And that's not even taking in consideration the other version of myself.

[ ok, fuck this, he's shifting to face scaramouche so he can grab him and drag him into his arms for a tight hug. ] I don't care if you kill her. For discarding you for the pipe dream of eternity she can die... but that doesn't mean I want to see you not only destroy yourself, but also the world in which we all live. It's not as bad as you think it is. It... doesn't have to be...

I think you deserve better...
I want you to be happy and I want to make you happy.

[ he lets him hold him for a few moments, but eventually he brings his hand on his shoulder and pushes him away - not roughly, just a small push so he'll get away from the hug ]

I'm not coming back.

Even if I were to indulge your terrible idea of making this something that won't change.

You will have to accept that we won't see each other again.

[ childe is forced back a bit. ] Don't underestimate me and my abilities, Scaramouche. [ he grabs his shoulder and shoves him back, hard, pinning him to the bed as he looms overhead. ] I don't have to accept a damn thing. [ a laugh that might edge on hysterical. ] You might think the Tsaritsa has me on a tight leash, but I'm a Harbinger to quench the thirst that threatens to rip me apart. [ bears down on him some more, his mask cracking. ]

A few people are working on keeping me around a little bit longer and if that's something that can even be in the works, then I can think it worthwhile to avoid a future where we 'won't see each other again'. If you want someone that cares I'm right here you asshole!

Shut up! Now you're just pissing me off.

[ he's going to bring his hand to his face, trying to push him away still ]

You don't even listen to me. It's all about what you want, so why should I agree with you!?

[ nevermind that he keeps asking him what he wants ]

Edited 2021-12-10 22:34 (UTC)

Good. At least you’re finally feeling something! because I’m not getting shit from you otherwise.

Do you hear yourself-! I am asking you what you want and how you feel, but you’re just ignoring it all.

It’s like you want to be miserable forever!

You won't make me happy. What you'll do is play with me for as long as it's convenient and then you'll throw me away. Then what will I be left with?

[ wow, ok, …that… hurts to hear. it’s not even a can’t. he’s so convinced childe is going to fuck up and hurt him that he’s not even being given a chance. ]

[ childe backs off, moving off the bed, and leaving scaramouche to himself. on reflection… maybe he’s right, because all he’s done is make a mess of everything since his descent into the abyss. his family. his former friends. even something as simple as getting the geo archon’s gnosis. he can pretend everything’s okay but the “nightmare” is his future and no amount of meddling is going to change that and he’s just going to hurt the other people he cares about. why add another, why… make things even worse… ]

If all you think I’m going to do is hurt you, that I’m incapable of making you happy, then… [ then what, he’s not even sure at this point. ] I’m just going to go. I don’t know what else to do.

I'm fine with not being happy. Happiness is fleeting and pointless in any case, it's never going to last. I'm not the one who asked you to make me happy so stop trying to make me believe it.

Why can't things just go on as they've had until now? What's gotten into you all of a sudden that you want to say stupid things like you care for me, or that we'll see each other after this.

If you're happy with your lovers then why can't this be just how it is?

Because maybe I do think I love you, …

[ he’s silent for a long time, rigid and lost in his thoughts. ]

If you’re not interested in this and it’s only going to make things more complicated and messy… then make me forget. Make these feelings go away.

You're obviously not thinking clearly. That game really did a number on you.

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