No, I'm not looking to go into heat again. [ because as good as getting dicked down is he's never going to feel as fulfilled as he should. ] I kind of want to try to avoid it, if I'm being honest. [ and breeding is something that only tsukiakari is allowed to do. ] ...but, no, I haven't fully recovered, and I won't be able to as long as I'm here.
[ he wants to tease him more and lean into that, try to actually get him at the height of his heat again. ... but then he remembers what he told him about breeding, and about his little bird. It's too bad he's bound by something like that ]
... Mm. I wonder if a dream would satisfy that for you. Or would your body not acknowledge it if it happens in a dream?
I made a promise to him and I'm not about to break it. [ childe starts to feel guilt ridden, because he shouldn't even be doing any of this. not only is he hurting tsukiakari, but he's also hurting zhongli. his mask cracks more as a result. ] Dream or not, that's still giving something that belongs to him away.
...maybe some other time. [ he's going to stick to abusing the pendant for just seeing them and spending time with them in his snowy cabin. ] I think I'm going to take a shower. [ a cold shower. ] ... [ and then a long walk. ] I need to think about a few things.
...it's not your fault. [ it's his own fault too, for being weak willed. he hates this place, because it's somehow worse than literal hell. ] I'm to blame too. [ he's going to scoot back, his mask nearly splitting in half. ] I should have more self control. [ but control is something he lacks and something that's constantly been taken advantage of by demons and gods and ugh. ] I guess I have to work on that. [ a broken laugh follows as he swings his legs over the bed, hastily fixing his clothes. ] ...you made a special life for yourself here, besides, so this is dangerous for the both of us.
[ he's tense, so he looks like he's about to bolt, because he wants to bolt... he wants to get the hell out of here, now!, but mochi tells him not to leave... and then adds a please. he stays in place, but looks aside. ] Alright... I'll stay. [ he takes a deep breath, looking back at him with a teeny tiny smile. ]
I know the two of us haven't had any real relationship before, and now, it's just been a few days. It's not like I can say something like "I want to be your friend" or "I want to help you". They're both ridiculous sentiments, barely worth hearing.
And for you, looking at me probably brings up different types of memories. Since you came here I've just been thinking about how I feel on the matter, but it's not like I can't see how much it's breaking you apart.
... I shouldn't have been so careless. And I'm sorry. Do you ... want to talk about him? Or just yourself?
[ ridiculous sentiments...? childe's not so sure, but he keeps his mouth shut. ] I don't want to talk about him. And what else is there to share about myself, ..? I already told you some of what happened on the other program, and talking about it doesn't appear to be good for my soul... h- hah, go figure. [ and he could probably ask scaramouche about himself, what he's been up to, but he knows he'll get jealous... although he has no real right to. it seems like they're both just like this. ]
[ So Childe doesn't want to think about the past good times, but rather focus on getting to know him. He's going to reach for him, or try to, to see if he can get him to cuddle ]
I don't really know what's there to say. I've just been trying to live, I guess. Can you believe it's harder said than done? But ... the more I think about it, the more I can't shake off the feeling that if I couldn't save my friends, I should at least live a life that won't make them sad.
Being in here confirmed I have a soul. And the people I've met ... I'm slowly starting to see that I'm not as different as I thought. There are many that have had experiences I can relate to, and sometimes, I get to help because of it.
It doesn't feel bad. But that probably sounds ridiculous coming from me.
...all that matters is that you're finally happy. It's been a long time coming. [ scaramouche can cuddle him if he likes, but childe's not going to move... at least not yet. ] I guess it had just been hard to accept beforehand, but you were never that different... [ dottore just fucked him up real good. he never did get to punch the son of a bitch, but things between him and scaramouche had also been different. ]
I don't know if I'm happy yet. Or if I'll ever really be. ... But I want to be. Maybe that's why I was so jealous of your little bird when you told me about it.
It doesn't feel fair that you were there willing to love me the whole time, and I didn't get that chance.
...please stop calling him that. [ that's his nickname!! ] Just call him Tsukiakari. And you have plenty of people here that love you, so it's bound to happen eventually. I'm sure you'll find your happiness in one or more of them, so even if not now... eventually.
...my bad then. [ he should have just introduced him that way to start. ] I met him, yeah. He seems real down to Earth. He likes gardening too, so I'm guessing that's where you got it from?
He has given me a plant and I'm taking care of it. Then there's the garden he helped us make - though that was because of a misunderstanding with Nanako. ... They made it for me.
I did hear something about Nanako from him. It seems like they're close too. [ but, then again, mochi seems close to nanako too. ] It's a nice little garden. I had told him it would be nice to get a gardening ruin... with proper tools and assorted seeds, because then you could expand it some more.
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[ because here he is, immediately reaching for his horny tattoo and full on pressing against it ]
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You really want me to get you into heat again? You haven't recovered just yet, have you? I already did it once. I can do it again.
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... Mm. I wonder if a dream would satisfy that for you. Or would your body not acknowledge it if it happens in a dream?
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[ he releases his hand. ]
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Although ... I wouldn't mind watching.
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... Sorry.
I know this is serious for you. That was inappropriate.
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Please.
[ he doesn't know what else to say to that, not yet, but he knows he doesn't want him to go ]
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And for you, looking at me probably brings up different types of memories. Since you came here I've just been thinking about how I feel on the matter, but it's not like I can't see how much it's breaking you apart.
... I shouldn't have been so careless. And I'm sorry. Do you ... want to talk about him? Or just yourself?
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...you could tell me about... you.
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I don't really know what's there to say. I've just been trying to live, I guess. Can you believe it's harder said than done? But ... the more I think about it, the more I can't shake off the feeling that if I couldn't save my friends, I should at least live a life that won't make them sad.
Being in here confirmed I have a soul. And the people I've met ... I'm slowly starting to see that I'm not as different as I thought. There are many that have had experiences I can relate to, and sometimes, I get to help because of it.
It doesn't feel bad. But that probably sounds ridiculous coming from me.
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It doesn't feel fair that you were there willing to love me the whole time, and I didn't get that chance.
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I've started gardening. There's someone I care for a lot on Salamander — Yuki. Have you met him?
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He has given me a plant and I'm taking care of it. Then there's the garden he helped us make - though that was because of a misunderstanding with Nanako. ... They made it for me.
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[ what else can he tell him about himself ... he's not going to mention Sudoh, because even he can tell it's a terrible idea ]
Back home I guess you could say I got close to Lesser Lord Kusanali too.
[ a pause ]
I don't know what else there is to say about me.
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